I have been bound up in fear so long, it is woven into the knit and pearl of my DNA. It is time to divorce myself from fear, but I fear that if I were to open myself; split my chest wide and show to you the rhythm of my soul, someone will reach in and squeeze the life from me again. I guess that is exactly how fear works, replacing the cries of a warrior with tears and trembling.
When I was active duty, I was given the callsign “Atomic” and I hated it. I never lost my composure. I packed every stress, disappointment, pain, and injury so deep within myself, I believed that no one could see it, both in my job and in my life outside of it. I felt that callsign was just another attempt to minimize my efforts because I never, ever lost control.
And then one day I did. And it leveled me.
I have seen it all burn down and my fear is in the knowing.
I know this is going to be cataclysmic, this opening of myself. This bawdy attempt at absolute vulnerability.
However, I worry more that I will never hear the sound of my own voice. I am sure that I am not alone in that. There is so much I want to write about. There is so much to create.
I am ready. I take ownership of my name.
ATOMIC.
We are all given profound gifts and the ability to realize them.
ATOMIC.
We must never forget the gift is more valuable than any label you can buy or fortune you can earn and more importantly...it is meant to be shared.
I had a professor once tell me that the worst thing that we can do in this life is to not accept the challenges that come with improving yourself.
I used to think that it was about not failing myself. I realize now it wasn't. It's about not failing you. Because I know that when I step out, fear clutching me from it’s dark corner, the sun will shine on my face and you may be encouraged.
A great quote, not to amend, but to consider is this:
"When someone called me a hero, I wanted to prove them right. When someone called me a devil, I wanted to prove them wrong. It took a lot of self-examination to realize that I was neither. There is a fullness to a person that is gigantic and nuanced and indefinable. It was equally impossible to be a hero or a devil. I couldn't be contained by a single word."-Colin Beavan
- ATOMIC THIERRY.
